just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
