you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Drunk is not a location!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
