Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
