Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
