I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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