Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
