I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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