Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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