dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
