I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize