I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
