Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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