I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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