Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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