Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
