I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
