You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
How does one acquire holy water?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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