I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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