I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
