my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
