I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
