Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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