my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
