She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
