I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
