soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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