you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
