we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
