did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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