how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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