I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
