You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
