no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
