Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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