Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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