Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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