His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
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I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
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Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Still dying that you shit outside
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE