Texts From Last Night

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  (847): View more from Illinois

  just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism

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  (847): just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism http://tfl.nu/1jbk
  Replies (12) Good night (761) Bad night (2600)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS

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  (917): Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS http://tfl.nu/k9df
  Replies (97) Good night (1759) Bad night (7705)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon

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  (210): So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon http://tfl.nu/iac1
  Replies (18) Good night (4989) Bad night (933)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help

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  (917): I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help http://tfl.nu/ynln
  Replies (26) Good night (5697) Bad night (2059)
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  (415): View more from California

  i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.

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  (415): i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me. http://tfl.nu/4nn8
  Replies (7) Good night (960) Bad night (3026)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same

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  (630): we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same http://tfl.nu/ozek
  Replies (40) Good night (2391) Bad night (6939)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face

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  (814): the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face http://tfl.nu/c559
  Replies (5) Good night (1979) Bad night (918)
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...

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  (903): I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair... http://tfl.nu/9cft
  Replies (17) Good night (1080) Bad night (2103)
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

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  (931): his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood http://tfl.nu/n403
  Replies (20) Good night (3996) Bad night (1127)
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot

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  (608): Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot http://tfl.nu/1f93
  Replies (3) Good night (1018) Bad night (465)
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.

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  (719): i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please. http://tfl.nu/3lio
  Replies (5) Good night (462) Bad night (822)
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.

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  (228): She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics. http://tfl.nu/kvtj
  Replies (8) Good night (786) Bad night (1261)
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.

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  (608): I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books. (608): I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night. http://tfl.nu/nd7e
  Replies (0) Good night (732) Bad night (462)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?

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  (570): Can I use your baby to go shoplifting? http://tfl.nu/mon8
  Replies (3) Good night (424) Bad night (860)
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel

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  (828): Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel http://tfl.nu/loun
  Replies (3) Good night (321) Bad night (216)

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