You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You have to summon your inner elephant
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.