obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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