i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
