i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
is wine microwaveable?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
