If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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