My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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