sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
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There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
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Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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