never play flip cup with pint glasses
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
