I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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