On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
