There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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