It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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