my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
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This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I want her autograph on my taint
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
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Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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