I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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