I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
