The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??