I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
