The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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