My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
