evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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