So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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